A long, winding walk in the dark terrain of my subconscious begins to reveal itself, in patterns of dappled light through native forest leaves. It arises in the soft, quiet dark where the full moon is illuminating, summoning and awakening ghosts left sleeping in my cellular waters.
This year’s work navigates my relationship to the feminine. Working intuitively in a way that bypasses conscious, rational thought, a process which abhors meticulous planning, relied upon so often in the field of jewellery and design. Deconstructing notions of femininity, beauty and my relationship to my body as a queer multidimensional person presented me with countless emotional and subconscious blocks to work through.
The explorations I am still wading through document a journey across Aotearoa, my roots and my body. I am exploring notions of the feminine through place-specific attachments, including my matriarchal lineage and dissolving the concept of earth as mother. The materials I gathered from these places revolve around feminine lovers, friendships with women and non-binary souls, and my mothers flood devastated home.
These materials range from wood, river stones, medicinal plants to silver, all carrying memory, grief, loss, love, longing, hope and passion. The inclusion of materials I am both repelled and fascinated by, such as resins, sticky glues and inks, refer to the oppression, trauma and necessary intergenerational healing every woman and AFAB (assigned female at birth) person needs to then work through; what I work through.
The deeper I inquire into the feminine, the more such specific words and concepts naturally fall away. There are no words which can truly reveal or explore what it means to be born into a female body, to carry the matriarchal lineage, including generations of oppression, suppression, trauma, silencing, persecution, abuse, gender roles and expectations dumped upon feminine shoulders.
As a soul born into a female body who has spent many years deconstructing gender and embodiment, identifying most with a transgender or non-binary existence, there is still an un-silencing and unravelling to occur over and over within my own feminine form. I find my strength in the feminine, in the matriarchs within and all around me, through the women I work with as mothers and mothers to be, through the friendships and lovers I’ve had in this lifetime.
I fall in love with the divine dark feminine every day. It’s in the simple, natural things. When the wind gathers and speaks in that witchy, eerie, whispering tone in my ears, I feel it all the way down to the bone marrow. When I let the word “feminine” go though, I’m left with a soul living a human experience, regardless of what sex I was born into.
These stories of femininity and binary gender notions seemingly go nowhere, they tie themselves into knots in my mouth, mind, heart and body. When I let them go I simply become the land, the sea, the rivers, lakes, mountains, skies and cosmos. To release the limitations and constraints of gendered embodiment: I realise the trappings of the mind can, at times, provide definition for personal and shared experience, however, sometimes words and language create barriers where shared silence, energy and body language can be enough.
What does it mean to be feminine? What does it mean to be human, in a body gendered by society, layered with misogyny, sexism, violence, persecution and shame? What does it mean to be psychologically armoured and masked, and how do we unravel this in both personal, interpersonal, social and collective layers to lean into a little more heart awareness and vulnerability, where true magic arises?
On language, silence and finding my voice: how can I let the wild earth speak through me? How can I let my body simply speak through my hands, mind put to one side for a moment? This, the intuitive making process, a confusing, disorienting, emotional space to exist in for some, and a thrilling, mysterious, inspiring, magical place for others.