Limbo land.
For the first two weeks of lockdown I was in an odd state of mental paralysis. Partly as a result of an anxiety attack about the looming effects of Covid-19 a week before lockdown, and coming to terms with not travelling to Melbourne for my daughters 30th (it was to be a surprise) and also going into self-isolation as I had flown to Christchurch, stayed with friends and been out quite a bit with them.
Like everyone a new existence was forced on me and fears that I kept in check or never acknowledged surfaced with various faces as the weeks went by. Unable to create, instead I went to my primal default location, planting a garden and bottling fruit. Then I guess to gain some measure of control in my environment I tidied…… kitchen, pantry, dining room…. then faced the garage. My parents died within a year of each other recently and I just put boxes of their stuff in the garage waiting for a time when I could go through them (never). Time to face my past. And still I was unable to make, which would have been preferable.
I spoke with Iris via Zoom and it was a comfort. She said perhaps I was giving time to my mother, untangling emotional knots (and of course she was correct). We spoke of knots, (physical, emotional and others) of recent tears (hers and mine), she shared a little of her life, I showed her around my living room, she had sticks in jars (forsythia from the garden) on her table, my cat climbed up to see who I was talking to and Iris although on her own has two cats for company, she spoke of her hand medal project https://handmedalproject.com/en/index.html , and spoke fondly of her time in NZ but of course the undercurrent in all our conversation was the virus.
We discussed my work, or lack of it, I developed a shoulder injury just prior to lockdown which at times makes holding a pen and writing painful, so any cutting or carving metal or wood has not been possible. A week ago, I had Zoom physio meeting and have exercises that are slowly helping. I have been working a little with soft materials, silks. Iris mentioned and questioned the values associated with silk, suggested I make bigger initially and then move down to smaller pieces, consider scale. I told her about receiving the Kauri wood and gum to carve and she suggested carving a knot in this wood with no plan, just let my hands do the work. We discussed Yuni Kim Lang’s work.
Fran and I have talked about a joint meeting with Iris in the future, I am hoping to start making in wood and metal soon. I have a few drawings and odd things with silk, associated with knots, tension and discomfort.
Ensconced in my own house and head I knew others must be feeling variations of my own fluctuating emotions, but it is a tricky thing to discuss I found. So, I set up a series of questions to ask the Handshakers to quantify, with shape and colour, location in the body, and sensation any anxiety/panic/stress they have experienced during lockdown. Hoping to incorporate some responses in my work. Thank you so much to all who responded, your answers were varied and honest and often raw. Fear is a multi-faceted beast.
I am aware that my reactions to the virus have gone from fear to anger…I am not convinced we are being fed the truth by media, however that’s another story.